Recipe.

Go to Supermarket (any except for Tesco will do fine), and buy lots of cheese, wild mushrooms (or pick your own) and white wine. Fontina and Emmental cheese is recommended, but extra value cheddar will also do fine. Potato wedges, crusty bread and apple will be needed for dippers.

Coarsely chop and fry your mushrooms while grating cheese. If you are ambidextrous you may be able to do this at the same time, otherwise enlist the help of a partner or do both seperately.Measure out a reasonable quantity of wine, remembering to keep some back to drink.

Put all in big fondue pot, and let simmer for a while. Add herbs to taste.

Add a teaspoon of cornflour, and stir until the texture of Golden Syrup.

Get fondue burner and forks out of cupboard.

Realise you haven't got any methylated spirits for the burner.

Climb into loft for camp burner and gas canister, and set up on kitchen table, setting to a low heat, and put fondue on top.

Eat heartily, dipping aforementioned wedges, bread and apple into pot before eating. You may wish to use your forks for this step to avoid possible scolding.